I have been gone for too long...

Everything now seems to be going okay for me, I have a job that I find fulling (working with children) and I volunteer with the county (which can come with its own rewards)!!!!

Yay!! It took a lot of prayer, God, people connections, and tears to finally not feel like an absolute failure.

A las,when I step forward I seem to take steps backwards in some other areas.

I have gain so much weight and I need to loose it all for the summer so I could look hot at the beach! For me emotionally and physically I have to hit the gym hard.



















Also I am so desperate for human contact that I can come off rather slutty. I give more to men that I don't know (and I think you know what I mean when I say more) than guys I date for months I don't let them do so much as hold my hand- which all goes back to my feelings of inadequates and intimacy issues)

For instance, when I gave a b job to a guy I barely knew because I was both very very drunk and horny. It seems slutty and I was so ashamed I don't even like talking about it and thinking about. If I write it once then it is all over with.

My relationship problem is that I date when the guy likes me. I have never dated or done anything with someone that I actually liked, I guess that I am just a giving person :)

What would it be like to actually date someone you are attracted to and liked? Would the issues of intimacy not matter anymore?

New obession:
Geal Garica Bernal- he is so adorable and seems so sweet even though I have only seen in him in one movie...Babel (awesome movie by the way!)

and I want to see him in la mala educacion






Thrift Shopping!! It is a great way for us recessionistas!! I have been so invloved in Fashion Blogging that it is the only way to afford new clothes and keep up with the latest trends.










more to come later as I think of it (I promise at least two blogs a week!)

Let's talk about our feelings....

So I mainly have this blog as a journal to help sort out my feelings and how I feel without having to talk to anyone and having feedback.

It is not that I do not want feedback, I just don't want feedback from people that I know because I am bias to there opinions and their opinions towards me would be bias and I am not up for wasting my time and my breath.

Why not a therapist? because I have no insurance and I have no job so no money to pay for therapy. So this is going to have to be my therapy for a while....

I think I feel too much. I think I am hypersensitive to my environment. I over analyze simple situations and complicate the uncomplicated. It just feels like my emotional skin is raw and I feel everything to the highest degree. When I laugh I laugh to the fullest, when I am angry- everything seems to be set ablaze, when I am sad- I literally cannot get out of bed. I do not think that I am bipolar but I do know that I have a mild form of depression that disrupts my life once in a while.

I over think not just once in a while but every single minute of every single day. I go through simple unimportant scenarios in my mind over and over again until I corrupt the purity and simplcity of the moment.

I wish I could just turn off my brain for one glorious week and have to not worry about my insecurities, hormones, and what I did or did not do right in the past. I am riddled with regret for unimportant details of the past, rather than the monumental events that forever changed my life.

What I would love love love love to do is to find a cause SO BIGGER than myself that I could stop focusing on my neurotic-isms that I could give of myself to the benefit of others. I want to work hard all day that when I go to bed at night I can sleep knowing that I have contributed to the world in some sort of way.

Like this documentary "Very Young Girls" Rachel Lloyd spends her whole life helping these girls (who started prostituting at pre-teen ages) turn their life around.

And countless more...

Which is why I am kind of excited about tomorrow morning! More to talk about that later!!!

hint: CASA!!!

Older guy crush!!!

So I have always had a thing for older guys! Something about their "worldly wisdom" and what not. Just not any older guy- like the cliché a listers like George Clooney and what not...

The kind of older guys that I usually like are like evil, smart, and just down right sexy (sometimes they do not look sexy) but something about their demeanor that makes them seem not so geriatric like.

Enough talk lets get to the men!! (not in any particular order)

1. Zeljko Ivanek - he is always playing like evil guys on TV (Heroes, Damages, and I love him on the Practice) He is a bit scrawny but I dont know what it is about him that makes me giddy when he comes on screen. He is smart (Yale grad) and very talaneted (just take a look at his impressive resume and his work on screen).

And I love how he just ages naturally and is not ahy about his graying and balding! YUM YUM! (and a little creppy- I KNOW)

I think what has really done it for my was seeing him on an episode of True Blood (hope he comes back) and now Heroes!!

I want to know who he is dating!

2. Jack Coleman- I think it's his role in Heroes that makes him seem so cool and sinister to me (The man with the horn rimmed glasses- Prescription glasses have never looked so sexy!!)

I love him (warts and all!)3. Tim Daly- I use to watch him on Wings when I was like eight- and I has a huge crush on him then!! Thanks to the modern marvel of sindication and a DVR- I get to relieve the glory days again and he is on Private Practice!!! I think I like him older now.

He is the exception to the rule because he always plays the good guy (most of time); even though on Private Practice he is a bit of a whore!
4. David Strathairn- when I saw him in the Bourne Ultimatum I was like "who is this man?!" My friends teased me endlessly on this one but I don't care!!So I am now tired about talking about this subject...more Old Hot Cruches later!!

Appreciate

Looking back at my first post it occur to me how little I appreciated my steady income. Don't get me wrong...it wasn't much but I paid my bills and had my independence....now I can do neither.

So God forbid if anything were to go worse I can appreciate:

1. The support of my family- but emotionally and financial.

2. Having my health- even having the sniffles can get me down.






3. Having my LOOKS- even though I may complain about my body, I am in no means a fat ass nor am I fugly. THANK GOD FOR THIS or I could never go on. Just think for a shorter and a little chubbier (for now) Serena Williams.





4. I have means of transportation. I love my car so much!!!! (it is limited edition)



5. Being a virgin of course- Thank God I didn't give that idiot my virginity or I would have hated myself for years to come!!!

6. My DVR (the new and only love of my life) I can spend so much time on it.

*****More thankfulness to come later!!!

Who would I give my prize too...

So now that I have had an incredible amount of time to think about sex (23 friggin years!!), a few questions prop up as to what I want my first time to be like. One thought in question is the kind of person it would be...

So to keep my open, as to what I want, I am going to put together a list (not the perfect list) but to get me started.

These guys, qualities, and looks are not in any type of order (just to what comes to me at the time)

1. Austin Nichols- I don't know much about this guy (except he likes to drink)

But he is so cute and I love the way he looks so stern sometimes that is really sexy for me.





2. Wentworth Miller- Now that guy I could talk about for hours- there is nothing about his personality that makes me want him ( I heard that he was a snob); but I like how he seems mature and at peace with himself (which is a great quality that I like in guys) being QUIET AND RESERVED. I am so not like that so it would be nice to have someone like that.






3. Marlon Wayans- Now for substance I am definitely looking for someone that is funny...being funny is way better than being hot. I really recommend Requiem for a Dream if you need to look at his rocking body.








4. Michael Weatherly-I have been watching so much NCIS lately and I actually dream of this guy- it's crazy. It must be his character Anthony Dinozzo, just oozes with sex appeal, he loves movies, he is a trivia buff, and he is a sarcastic snot (much like myself).






So these guys are so the types of boys that I would give it up to right now (meaning that it might change).

I think a big part of why I stay single is because I have total intimacy issues. The few ways that I could actually be touched by a guy is by being drunk so if I could actually have a guy with some of the qualities that I like then maybe the issues will go away.

I know that I mostly wrote more about physical appeal but I think I had a good start to sorting out the kind of guy that I am look for (for now).

So it's been a while....

I decided that in order to be the real me that will not insult or hurt anyone around me I can just blog.

I completely forgot about my blog and decided if everyone else is doing this blogging thing why not me?!

So it has been more than a year for me...WHAT'S NEW?!

Well I am not ashamed to call myself a 23 year old virgin. Dont get me wrong..I still feel like a loser but it doesnt come with an incredible amount of shame any longer. It doesnt make me feel any better when I get gwaing looks (even from my doctor!) when asked about my sexual history (or lack there of)

I graduated from college!! (yay!!) but now I can't get a job so now I am applying for grad school.

All in all my life is shit- but it is okay!!! You want to know why?! Because other people's lives are way way way way way worse than mine!!!!

Let's list the ways:

I dont have a drug problem

I dont have any kids that I have to raise on my own

I am not loosing my home (same images as above)

we could go on but then I wont have anything to talk about in my later blogs.

The only thing is that I wish I had it a little more together (my shit) that is.

So I need stuff to comment on and talk about. If you have any ideas pls comment and let me know!!

I really hate being sick and my job...

I totally hate being sick all I can do is cough and feel sorry for myself...I think I have bronchities and don't want to go see a doctor because I know that I will get antibotics and every one knows that taking too much of it can deminish the immune systems capability to fight infections on its own...
On to more interesting news...I am sick of being brokek as hell. It is so anoying to have to worry about not being able to pay for bills and necesities because my job doesn't pay for shit
I am so depressed and I really don't know why. Just for fucking get it!!
Peace out.

My first entry...

This could just all ultimately end up being a big giant waste of time...because it turns out that I might never use the blasted thing ever again. Or it could just end up saving me from the brink of depression that I can not seem to get away from.
I am fat, I am depressed because I am fat, and I am fat because I eat too much from being depressed...OKAY finally I have said it...or typed it.
Now to move on...I really have nothing to say right now because I am not pissed or happy or anything like that...I just exist...if i died nothing would change other than the fact that my job would need someone to replace me...but that is pretty much it.
But I will say this...I am in love with the idea of being in love. I want to fall in love...I wish to fall in love someday...someday soon I have been praying.
I have never been in love..never knew the joy..the pain...or the pleasures...I am 21 and I could acturately guess that my little sister has more of a love life than I do.
I am not ugly or anything...just fat...right now I could not honestly say why i have never had a boyfriend.
I have lied about going on dates or dating to make myself not feel so much like a loser....in reality I have only went on one date...that was a diaster (bastard tried to feed me chicken bones for dinner after I wouldn't put out)
I have this awful feeling that I will die a virgin which is probably worst than dying itself.
With all of this I am still a hopeless romantic... I read romantic trashy novels, I constantly listen to love songs, watch love films, dream about falling in love....BUT IN actuality I have never known about love...other than loving my parents and my friends.
All of this entry...untill next time.